My mom asked me to sell her old wedding dress. This is what I posted:
Do want to look like Princess Kate on your wedding day? No? Then you should buy this dress! Not getting married? Don’t worry! This dress has literally 8 other uses:
1) Do you have annoying neighbors that constantly stop by unannounced? The next time this happens invite them inside for coffee. Then have your significant other come out wearing the dress train (it’s detachable!) as a cape with the Superman symbol drawn on his or her chest in magic marker. When your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/roommate (whatever. I don’t judge) looks up in feigned surprise to see your neighbors on the couch, he/she can either attempt to hide his/her shame with nearby objects (plant, loaf of bread, cat) or he/she can walk around like it ain’t no thang and join you all on the couch. This should prompt the neighbors to leave and never return. However, if they start dropping by more often, I suggest you move. Or not. I don’t know. I can’t solve all your problems.
2) Remember that episode of Friends when Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe sat around in wedding dresses doing regular stuff, eating popcorn and whatnot? If you buy this dress, you can do that too! Plus, you’ll have the knowledge that your life is just as full and interesting as the lives of people on tv.
3) Did you get left at the altar by your groom? Well, that’s sad. I’m sorry to hear that. But now you can get revenge! Buy this dress and cut it up to create a pattern. Make 100 copies. Hire 99 women who look like you to wear the dress and show up where your ex-fiance works, eats, and sleeps. He’ll think he’s being haunted by the ghost of you on your wedding day. Give it a week. He’ll call. Oh, he’ll call.
4) Alternately, are you a groom who was jilted by your bride? That’s also sad. I am again sorry to hear that. Before you burn that effigy of your ex, dress her in this wedding gown. Because an effigy is not an effigy if it’s naked. Maybe if you did things right the first time, your fiancee wouldn’t have left you.
5) Are you participating in a live play of Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations? No production of this work would be complete without a Miss Havisham walking on stage wearing an old wedding dress and lamenting her lost love. Or, if you’re a big Dickens fan, you could go as Miss Havisham for Halloween. Or, you might be a real-life Miss Havisham, in which case you definitely need this dress and possibly a hug.
6) Speaking of painful regret and Halloween, this dress would make a wonderful Corpse Bride costume (corpse and Johnny Depp not included).
7) Need a karma recharge ever since you didn’t push the “open doors” button on the elevator even though you clearly saw that woman running frantically towards you (making eye contact all the way) and yelling “Hold the elevator! Hold the elevator!”? Buy this dress and get that karma level back up! See, this dress was my mom’s and she asked me to sell it for her so she can make some extra money to buy a new television so she can watch football. She really loves football. More than you. More than your dad or brother or NFL football coach. Would your NFL football coach sell his wedding dress for football? I didn’t think so.
8) Cut it up and make things! Things made with taffeta! I don’t know. You’re supposed to be the creative one here. I’m just trying to sell a dress and now I have to invent crafts for you? Who am I? Martha Stewart? Fine. Then buy this dress and make a wreath for your door and when people come over, you can say “See that wreath? I made it. From an old wedding dress!” and won’t everyone think you’re something special then, won’t they? Yeah. And then Valerie will have to shut up about her stupid homemade soaps.
What’s that? You want more information about the dress? Fine.
See the rest of the ad on eBay.
